The Rival
by Precambrian Studios
Summary: A cynical, intelligent, misanthropic individual arrives at Lawndale High. And he quickly gets on Daria's nerves.


The Rival

By Precambrian of Precambrian Studios

"Good morning CLASS!" roared DeMartino in the calmest voice he could muster. "We have a new STUdent joining us TODAY. Mr. Dressler, please raise your HAND!"

Daria looked to the right. A few rows of desks away sat a student with an unshaven face and messy black hair, wearing ratty jeans and a black polo shirt. He was lounging at his desk, looking at DeMartino with an "I am absolutely bored out of my mind" expression. _Another husk added to the copious masses of Lawndale High_, Daria thought as she went back to doodling the class chalkboard, which she had depicted getting splattered from what remained of DeMartino's dangerously bulging eye.

"We have just recently been DISCUSSING the events surrounding the ASSASINATION of President LINCOLN! Would you please be so KIND as to INFORM the class of what happened AFTER John Wilkes Booth fled Ford's Theater?"

"Uhh….well let's see, a couple world wars, the Beatles, and…"

"I meant IN THE IMMEDIATE AFTERMATH!"

"Oh. You should have been more specific then, Mr. DeMartino."

_Hm. Sounds like he's about as knowledgeable about the past as Kevin. DeMartino is going to cut him down. _But to Daria's surprise, in a rare display of patience, DeMartino just stood there, but his eye continued to pulsate. The new guy spoke up.

"After John Wilkes Booth fled Ford's Theater, Lewis Powell, who used the alias Payne, a long-time friend of Booth's, attempted to assassinate Secretary of State Henry Seward. He did this by dressing up as a doctor and attempted to infiltrate the house. He was refused. He tried again. He was refused. He tried…"

"THANK you, Mr. Dressler." DeMartino looked at this new pupil with mild admiration. "Perhaps you may be one of the few INTELLIGENT students I may have the PLEAsure of actually TEACHING!"

"Intelligence? Really? Here?" The new guy looked around the room, his yellow eyes resting on everybody briefly, including Daria. He gave a snort of derision and returned to staring at the board. Daria frowned.

A couple hours after DeMartino's class, Jane informed Daria about the new guy. "Yeah, he's a bit of a freak. He makes even you look adjusted." Jane waited as Daria pulled the correct textbook out of her locker. They walked towards Daria's next class, Barch's.

Jane continued, "In math today he did the same thing. He went into an elaborate analysis and history of quadratic equations, and then just sat there. Here, I depicted it!"

Jane brandished a sketchbook and opened it up to a page depicting the new guy. His back was turned to a few other students, all of whom had smoke coming out of their ears.

Daria observed it with mild amusement. "Not much artistic license to it. Should've drawn everyone else holding guns to their temples."

"I would have, if anyone gave me a license."

"Nowadays there's so little of it left, I'm sure you could find some at the black market for a penny," Daria joked monotonously.

"You should've seen it Daria, it was a thing of beauty. I swear that Brittany was having an aneurysm. And when class was over, Kevin went up to him and said 'Dude! You're, like, a brain on steroids!' And then the new guy said back, 'Unlike you, my brain doesn't require steroids to function at minimal capacity."

"And what did he say when he discovered that Kevin can't comprehend capacity?"

"He didn't say anything. He just walked away."

"Sounds like a bit of jerk."

"He sounds like you, actually. You see Daria, he expressed what he thinks. You ought to try it sometime."

"I'm very expressive." Jane muttered, "Uh huh," under her breath.

"And I've never directly insulted Kevin," continued Daria.

"Not out loud."

"I will once he's able to muster enough brainpower to realize he's even being insulted."

"So, never?"

"Nope."

Barch stopped drawing a diagram of a cerebellum and turned to face her students. "All right class. Today you're going to analyze and turn in a worksheet on how electricity directly stimulates the brain."

Amongst the groans of anguish, somebody muttered "That is, if your brains can actually be stimulated." Daria looked behind her. Sure enough, it was the new guy, who still looked bored. He caught Daria's eye.

"Attracted to the sound of noise?" he said. Daria frowned and her attention returned to Barch, who continued, "You will be choosing your own partners today to complete the worksheet I have here. You have until five minutes before the end of the period."

Everybody chose a partner, while Daria sat at her desk and looked at the paper. _Wow. Uh….hmm. Never seen this kind of material before. Gotta find a textbook. _She looked around and saw that there weren't any. Daria walked up to Barch.

"Ms. Barch. Was there some sort of assignment related to this yesterday? I had food poisoning."

"Oh, I'm sorry Daria. I have no materials to give you to look at at the moment. Budget cuts. Damn superintendents, if only they had a woman running them…..well, you can come here after school and I can try to find a textbook. Otherwise, you'll have to ask another class-mate. Don't ask a boy, you can't trust them."

"Uh, thanks Ms. Barch. I think I'll ask somebody."

She looked around. _Hmmm. Jodie looks like she's pretty focused, I better not disturb her, and Mack's absent. Great, that leaves only the new guy. Maybe if I dangle gum in front of his face, he'll relent._

Daria went up to the new guy, who she discovered to her surprise, was not only done with his sheet, despite having arrived just arrived at the school today, but was reading Thomas Harris' _The Silence of the Lambs._ Daria approached him. He looked up at her, gave her a look of disgust, and then turned his attention back to his book.

"No, you can't copy my work. Goodbye."

"I don't want to copy your work. I was absent for the lesson yesterday. You seem to have a grasp on it. Could you give me some help?"

"I could." Several seconds passed and the new guy said nothing.

Finally Daria asked, "Will you?"

His eyes shifted up to look at her. "What do I get out of it?"

Daria took out a stick of chewing gum. "You get this."

He rolled his eyes. "Do I look like I can be tempted by something so petty? I want money, in paper bills, unmarked."

"I'm sorry Mr. Corleone, but I'm flat broke," she replied in a scathing tone.

"Oh, I bet. Get lost, charlatan." His attention returned to his novel.

"Fine. Enjoy your book." Daria stalked away.

_What a complete ass. Somehow, I'm going to pay him back in full for that. Somehow._

"Mom, Dad! Guess what!" cried Quinn at dinner.

"You finally discovered that bright pink lipstick causes brain-damage?" quipped Daria.

Quinn ignored her. "The Fashion Club finally got a new member!"

"Really? That's great sweetie. Who is she?" asked Helen, who was clearly more focused on finishing her cold lasagna.

"Her name is Elizabeth! She is like the coolest girl ever! Not like her brother, eugh. She's this new girl that came to the school today. She is, like, a really good artist, and she could draw everybody in the Fashion Club in all these kinds of outfits and make us look sooooooo cute! She's like, SO cool! She even has a motto! And it's a in a different language!" Quinn was almost out of breath.

"Really sweetie? What is it?" Helen continued to poke at her food.

Quinn's face scrunched up. "Uhhhhh, it has something to do with these three Vs, I think they might be names for old historical guys. Trust me; it sounds really cool when she says it!"

Daria looked at her sister. "What's her brother's name?"

A look of mild disgust appeared on Quinn's face, "Oh, he's a real creep. His name's Ethan. Ethan Dressler."

_So that's what his name is. Now I just have to think of a way to destroy this guy._

"Quinn, for once I agree with you. He is a creep."

"So, you want to somehow eradicate this Dressler hoodlum," summarized Jane. She and Daria sat outside on the school's lawn. "Are we talking physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual methods?"

"Somehow I'm going to do it. His arrogance needs to be brought down a few notches."

"I stand by that he and you are alike."

"We are not alike. He's rude."

"Explain."

"He seems to think he's the absolute smartest guy in Lawndale High, and treats everybody with contempt. He's like Tommy Sherman, if Tommy Sherman's brain was as massive as his ego."

"You always seemed to think you were the smartest one around."

"I don't go around flaunting that knowledge."

Jane raised an eyebrow.

Daria quickly exclaimed, "I am NOT like Ethan."

"You got that right. Remember how I said I thought he made you look adjusted? I saw him in Chess Club and Yearbook. He seems to be more adjusted than you, in actuality."

"Well, give him a medal then."

Jane looked amused. "Morgendorffer, it seems you have a rival."

"The closest thing I ever had to a rival was a pencil sharpener that refused to work."

"Think about it. This guy is able to do work without ever even seeing the lesson preceding it. He's just as sarcastic as you. I've heard people talk; they think he's even stranger than you are."

"Does he have horns growing out of his head too?"

"Well Daria, if you really want to eliminate your feeling of inferiority of this guy, I say go beat him at something. Chess maybe."

"I do NOT feel inferior to him. If he's smart, good for him. I'm just irritated that he's so condescending."

"And you feel you don't deserve to be condescended towards?"

_I don't want to think about this. _"Leave me alone, Jane. I'm going to go have lunch."

Jane shrugged. "Well, all right. Guess I'll leave you be for now."

"Meet me after school to walk home?"

"Course. See ya."

Daria walked inside and headed in the direction of the cafeteria. Before turning the hallway corner, she heard the Fashion Zombies giggling, then a new voice.

"Yeah, I think these camasols would look GREAT on you all. Especially you, Sandi."

"Oh, Liz, everything looks great on me."

This Liz person, whom Daria realized was the unfortunate new member of the Fashion Club said, "Uh huh. Well, I'm going to make a portfolio for you guys with my body dummies at home, but I need you all to pick up some stuff for me at Cashman's." "Heeeeey," drew out Tiffany. "Who are you calling a duuummy?"

Daria heard Elizabeth sigh."It's one of those things you see in shop windows, Tiffany. The ones with the clothes on them. You know, mannequins."

"Ooooooh."

Elizabeth continued. "Pick these things up for me, and I'll get the portfolio done as soon as possible. Catch you girls later!"

Then Ethan's little sister turned around the corner. To Daria's shock, she was at least a head taller than her, almost as tall as her brother. She was also quite pretty, having a very round, freckled face, and straight, shoulder-length hair. The minimum requirements for admission into the Fashion Club. She had this smile on her face, which disappeared upon seeing Daria, who thought, _She looks like she just plotted some kind of prank. _Elizabeth walked away, and so did Daria.

_Who knows. Maybe having a rival could be challenging. Then again, I'd rather be writing…._Daria noticed the presence of another human being.

"Pardon me. Morgendorffer, isn't it?" She looked up. It was Ethan.

"Sorry to bother you. It must take some serious mental effort to down that sandwich."

"Get lost, Dressler. It's taking me even more effort when I'm talking to you."

He was unperturbed. "Yes, well, I have a proposition for you. Do you still need help on that worksheet? I trust that Barch let you continue working on it outside of class."

"Why do you want to know?"

"I've had a change of heart. I will help you out in exchange for chewing gum."

Daria replied derisively, "I'm sorry. I'm all out of petty chewing gum. Come back later, and maybe some will have grown out of my ears."

"Let me guess, you think that's what your brain is composed of."

_Must resist urge to kill._

Daria stood up, and looked into his face.

"Dressler, get lost. You now have put me in a mood other people might describe as 'pissed off.' Now, please make your departure, before I kick you in the shin."

He snorted. "Try. You can't even reach my knees."

_Well, he asked for it. _Daria was about to give him a good kick in the shin, when she heard somebody shout her new rival's name.

Elizabeth was walking over. She spoke to Daria.

"Hey, I'm sorry about my brother. A rock hit him in the head as a kid. Ethan, come over here. NOW."

Ethan sounded offended when he said "Come on Liz. It was a boulder."

Daria watched, boiling hot with anger, as the two went over to a corner, where Elizabeth seemed to be disciplining her older brother.

_This guy is a bigger ass than Beavis and Butt-head combined. Oooh, I could kill him. If he comes back over here, I am going to give him a piece of my mind, and then make him eat it. Oh dammit, I just used a reference to Hannibal Lecter._

Elizabeth stopped scolding Ethan, who walked back over. His face was still blank, but he seemed to struggle enouncing his next sentence, and his voice had also adopted an angry tone.

"Ergh, I-I'm sorry about what I said. I'll help you. Would you puh-per-grrr-PLEASE give me the gum tomorrow?"

_Woah. He's apologizing. His sister is even more dangerous than him. _

"So after he helped you with your work, then what?" asked Jane as they walked down the sidewalk.

"I couldn't resist the urge to jab a barb in his side. Afterwards, I told him that at least my chain wasn't being held by my little sister."

Jane smiled. "And his rebuttal?"

"He just walked away. And then his sister came up to me and introduced herself, and then she apologized for her brother's behavior."

Jane shrugged. "This guy keeps getting stranger and stranger."

"In any case, I'm going to try to avoid this guy. I don't need or want a rival. It's distracting. I already have to deal with Quinn's constant droning and my parents' nagging."

"Who knows, having a rival could be mentally stimulating."

"As stimulating as watching an episode of Sick, Sad World, maybe."

Daria walked up to Ethan in the cafeteria. He was sitting by himself.

"All right Dressler, here's your gum." She tossed him a pack and immediately turned around to walk away."

"Hold on a minute, Morgendorffer."

Daria turned around again. Ethan's bored eyes bored into her own.

"I just wanted to say that you should not consider me an enemy. Having a foe is not a good use of one's time."

_Well, I guess great minds think a…..oh crap._

"Uh, thanks. I agree."

"Besides, it would be a complete waste of your time."

_Don't press on, don't press on, don't press on….._

Daria couldn't resist. "Why do you say that?"

"Because you are completely incapable of besting me at anything."

Daria glared at him. "We're going to see about that, Dressler. I am going to make you rue the day you were born."

He raised an eyebrow. "Well, as long as we agree to go to war against each other, let's make good sport of it. Assuming you live in this suburb, I assume you are well-supplied with cash. So here's a deal. I will bet you within twenty-four hours, I will get you to drop your jaw in awe. If I win, you pay me one hundred dollars. If I lose…..hmm, it is only fair that you pick the terms.

_I was hoping he'd say that. This is going to be sweet._

Daria said, "When you lose, you have to write a thirty-page essay on why overconfidence is detrimental to one's life. Make sure you spell "overconfidence" correctly." She gave one of her Mona-Lisa-esque smiles. Ethan's expression remained stoic.

"The bet's on. Shake on it?"

Ethan extended his hand. Daria regarded it with mild disgust, and shook it.

_He is going to go down in flames._

"Mom! I'm heading over to the Zon with Jane!"

"All right sweety! Don't stay too long! I don't exactly approve of that place!"

Daria rolled her eyes and walked past Quinn's room. She heard her sister talking enthusiastically on the phone.

"Did you see Elizabeth's drawings? They were SOOOOOO CUTE! We all look gorgeous in them, Sandi! Of course, you look the most gorgeous. I can't wait to wear-"

Daria walked out the door.

Daria turned to Jane, and tried to be audible above the loud young adults. "So, when does Trent come on?"

"In a few minutes. Hey, what's been going on with your rival?"

"Well, we started off our beautiful relationship by having a high-stakes bet."

"Mmm. What is it?"

"He bet me a hundred he could get me to do a double-take. I haven't done that since I saw Highland's dynamic duo wearing eye patches as thongs."

"The Highland who?"

"Never mind. Anyways, this will be probably the easiest bet I will have ever won."

"Tell me about it. You show as much expression as a blank canvas. What do you get for winning?"

"He has to write an essay on why he's an ass."

"Should've made him lick your boots."

"Too juvenile."

"Get him to train Brittany as your pet?"

"Brittany may be stupid, but she's not a lapdog."

"How about…..Oh! Trent's on."

The man of the hour himself walked up onstage with his band and grabbed the microphone.

"Hey, we're Mystik Spiral, but we're thinking about changing our name. Give us some suggestions after our performance. Oh, and our other guitarist Jesse couldn't make it today. He's vomiting right now. I think. So, we have Weird Al as our replacement today. The Al is short for Alex." A man wearing sunglasses, a ripped up t-shirt exposing some of his chest, shredded jeans, and sporting extremely long black hair gave a stupid grin to the audience.

Jane elbowed Daria. "Well, that guy is either an ass or blind. Who wears sunglasses indoors?"

"You do."

"Since when?"

Daria was about to reply when a monotonous death-metal solo from hell cut her off.

"They're sounding better," Daria remarked, trying to speak so that Jane could hear her.

"Must be all the extra 'practice,'" she replied.

"Yeah. Hey, did you notice people from Fielding Prep are coming here?"

Jane quickly scanned the club. "How can you tell? I don't see anyone in school uniforms."

"They're buying non-alcoholic drinks from the bar. You know, the ones more expensive than the alcohol?" Daria pointed it out.

Jane took an uninterested glance. "I didn't notice them."

"Pay more attention next time. You might be able to observe the strange creatures of the privileged upper world outside their natural habitat."

Jane smiled. "I'll keep that in mind."

Trent delivered the last note of the song and approached his microphone again.

"So, Weird Al wants us to do a cover song. Even though we are free artists and don't perform the work of others, we decided to do it because he's only going to be here this one night. Take it away, Al."

"Yes Al," said Jane in a sarcastic whimsical tone. "Take us away from here, please!" Al, keeping the grin, talked loudly into the microphone.

"Yo people, I just wanted to say how AWESOME it is to be at the ZOOOOOOOON!" The crowd cheered.

"And because I am feeling soooooo AWESOME tonight, I decided to dedicate one of my favorite songs to a friend out there! You know who you are, bro!" Weird Al began to sing.

_Carry on my wayward son,_

_There'll be peace when you are done,_

_Lay your weary head to rest,_

_Don't you cry no more! _

"He's a damn good singer," remarked Jane.

"Well, he's definitely a lot better than Mystik Spiral."

"Careful Daria, Trent might hear you."

Daria looked uncomfortable for a moment, and then turned her attention back to the performance.

As he began to jam the notes to _Carry on My Wayward Son_ on his guitar, Weird Al began to violently rock his head back and forth, something Daria had seen Butt-Head do more often than was healthy. Al was headbanging so hard that his sunglasses fell off, and so did the wig, which made the crowd cheer even louder.

Daria's jaw suddenly felt like it weighed a hundred pounds.

Still grinning stupidly, Ethan perfectly strummed one of Kansas's most popular songs on his Stratocaster. Before Daria could close her mouth, he spotted her in the crowd.

Daria glanced at Jane, whose eyebrows were trying to fly away. She said, "Huh, how about that."

Daria stared at Ethan incredulously. "He's an emotionless tightwad. When did he learn to sing?"

_Masquerading as a man with a reason My charade is the event of the season _"All in all, your pocket will be a hundred dollars lighter tonight," Jane concluded.

"That's the least of it. How the hell did he know I was going to be here?"

"Word gets around?"

"At school? About us?"

"Good point."

_On a stormy sea of moving emotion Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean I set a course for winds of fortune But I hear the voices say_

"Maybe his sister was told by Quinn?" suggested Jane.

Daria shook her head. "I think he and his sister hate each other's guts."

"Then I am fresh out of ideas."

_Carry on my wayward son,_

_There'll be peace when you are done,_

_Lay your weary head to rest,_

_Don't you cry no more! _

Ethan finished the last note and yelled into the mic, "Thank you people of the ZOOOOON! GOODNIGHT!" The crowd went bananas.

Ethan walked off stage and straight over to Daria and Jane. His face was once again totally blank.

He spoke to Jane first. "Please inform your brother that he is far more suited to the task of being a cashier. I have a feeling his career would be far more successful." Jane glared daggers at him. Ethan turned to Daria.

"I will expect my one hundred dollars soon, in cash. I don't expect any kind of pathetic excuse for why you can't pay up, Morgendorffer; I wouldn't hold you in that regard. Ciao." He walked into the bathroom.

Daria looked at the door to the center of the Zon's filth with amazement.

"Did he just give me a compliment?"

Jane was almost growling. Angrily, she said to her best friend, "I will join you in your war to destroy him, no matter the cost."

Daria replied, "We'll be in this together."

Ethan emerged from the bathroom. As he walked past the duo, he said to them, "By the way, I hope you enjoyed my little song…"

He walked out of the club.

Daria said in her monotone, "At least I don't gloat about what I'm good at."

"Ok, so you are a bit different from him," Jane admitted.

"_He got tired of looking for a good time in the city, so he turned to the zoo! Me and my penguin prostitute, next! On Sick, Sad World!"_

Daria turned off the television and turned to Jane. They had agreed to meet at Daria's house to brainstorm how they would take down Ethan after the concert ended but couldn't resist watching some television first.

"So, how are we going to 'destroy' Dressler?"

Jane contemplated for a moment. "Release some embarrassing dirt about him?"

Daria raised an eyebrow. "No, that would make us bigger jerks than him, in addition to stooping to a hole so low not even Upchuck could dig us out. We have to beat him at something academically."

"Hmmmm, I could whoop his butt in P.E., maybe during one of the boys vs. girls tournaments."

"If he's like me, as you say, I doubt that he even participates."

Jane thought for a while, and then cried, "I got it!"

"What?"

Jane grinned. "You said that you wanted him to write a paper on why overconfidence is bad? YOU write it, and get Mr. O'Neill to put it in the school paper. He'll eat it up, it will provide morals for all the students to follow and influence them for their entire lives, and the best part is, Dressler will probably be the only one who reads it! If it's good enough, it will crush his spirit into a tiny little ball."

"Well, Dr. Evil, you have devised the best idea since pizza."

"I know it. You're on your own though, writing words on paper does not count as a visual art."

"Right. Well, I'll get to work. See ya tomorrow."

"Adios." Jane walked out of Daria's room, and then out of the house.

_I need to write something brief and to the point. Well, I better get started. First, I need some brain food._

Daria went downstairs and retrieved a sugar tart and some water. As she walked up the stairs and headed back to her room, she heard an ear-piercing screech: "OHMIGOD, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOUR HOUSE WAS ROBBED?!" screamed Quinn into the phone. "ARE THE CLOTHES OKAY?…WHAT!? NOOOOOO!"

Daria peeked into Quinn's room. "What's going on?"

Quinn turned to her sister. "Elizabeth says that her house was broken into while her family was out! A bunch of their stuff was taken, including the clothes she was modeling for us! Now I'll never get to wear them! And they were expensive, too! Ugh, life is so UNFAIR!"

_Well, that sucks for the Dresslers. I am not shedding any tears over Ethan though. Not that he deserved to get robbed, but I will hold no pity for him anyhow._

Still groggy from a measly five-hour sleep, Jane went to answer the door. It was Daria, of course, but something was wrong with her face…

"Where are your glasses?"

Daria groaned. "I have no idea. I set them on my nightstand last night, and I couldn't find them this morning. I have to wear the contacts again, and they itch more than ever. I think I may just opt for cybernetic replacements."

"Even better, you could get one of those visors those robots have, with the little red light that goes back and forth."

"All the better to observe everything in a panoramic view with, my dear."

"So, now that the daily ritual of pointless conversation has been completed, would you mind if it took me another few minutes to get ready for the daily brainwashing?"

"Yeah, all right."

Kevin was eating his lunch at a table with all of the other members of the football team, when suddenly they ceased all conversation.

"Kevin."

Kevin's head turned to face the source of the noise and almost screamed.

Towering high above him, Ethan stood imposingly, wearing a business suit and thick, round glasses that did not seem to exactly belong on his scruffy face. He now addressed the other members of the football team: "Get lost."

Not wanting to deal with a super-brain, the other football members of the team at the table got up to leave, but Jeffy stood up and began to walk toward Ethan, and tried to look mad in order to intimidate the immaculately-dressed intruder.

"Hey dude, you can't just make us all leave and mess with our QB, who do you think you arrrrrrpppp….:"

Ethan had kneed Jeffy in the groin. He crouched next to his poor victim, who was now sputtering on the linoleum floor and said in an impersonation of Anthony Hopkins: "Get lost does not mean abandon all brain activity and assume you can threaten me, it means leave and don't come back." Ethan stood up and observed the other jocks running away. Jamie came back to carry away Jeffy, who was panting.

Kevin remained at the table, fixated on the terrifying figure.

Ethan adjusted the glasses that seemed too small for his face, and straightened his tie. "With these glasses and this suit enhancing the power of my brain, I can make you do anything. I can turn YOU into a brain. Do you want that, Kevin?"

"No! I mean, uh, yes! Well, uhh, I mean no, but…"

"Answer truthfully." Ethan sat down at the table and stared at Kevin, waiting for a reply. His emotionless, pale face and yellow eyes terrified Kevin more than anything else.

Kevin gulped, and used whatever part of his brain that still functioned to prevent from wetting himself. "No, I don't wanna be a brain. I like being normal."

Ethan leaned forward, and Kevin began to whimper. "Then here's what I want you to do. You will do exactly as I say, or I will make you smart."

Kevin was trembling now.

"Hey Daria!" cried Elizabeth. Daria saw her rival's sister rushing toward her.

_Be careful. After all, she can control Ethan._

"Oh. Hey."

"Where are your glasses?"

"They grew legs and walked away."

"Ooooooh." Daria raised an eyebrow, which she instantly regretted, and rubbed her eyes again. Elizabeth said, "Hey, have you seen my brother? I want to make sure he's not trying to kill anybody."

"No. So, I heard your house was robbed."

Elizabeth gave a nervous chuckle. "Yeah. A bunch of our clothes were stolen. That's why my brother is wearing a business suit today; it's really the only complete outfit he has left."

_Ouch. _"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Yeah. Hey, can you tell Quinn that I can't make it to the Fashion Club meeting today? I have to be somewhere."

_If I can get within fifty feet of Quinn without her running away. _"I'll try."

"Thanks! Oh, and do me a favor. If my brother starts acting like a jerk, kick him in the nads for me. He deserves it."

"I'll keep that in mind." _And I'll do so the first opportunity I get._

"Great! Bye!"

_Well, that was interesting. Why would I want to know where her brother is? _

Daria continued to think about the essay she would have published. _When one is overconfident, that individual will have a tendency to make inane decisions that…why the hell is Kevin following me?_

"Kevin, why are you following me?"

Kevin's face was scrunched up in fear. "Uh, could you, like, help me with my homework?"

_Oh dear God. The day has come. I hoped he would never ask me this. Okay, two options: polite rebuttal or suicide._

"Uh, I'm sorry Kevin, I can't. I'm really busy."

"Uuuuhhh, could you tell me about history?" He looked like he was searching for things to say to the best of his ability.

"Kevin, what are you talking about?"

"Uuhh, nothing…bye!" He ran away.

_Huh. Maybe it's another side effect of getting your head smashed repeatedly in high school sports. Or it could just be because he's Kevin._

Daria completed her worksheet on motion functions and returned to planning out her essay. _The individual mind is thus fooled into believing- oh for the love of….now what?_

"Kevin, I'm doing work right now."

"Uh, could you, like, tell me how all of this stuff works? You know, with velcrocity and gravitations and all that?"

Ms. Barch, like a bloodhound sniffing its prey, picked up on the conversation. "KEVIN! STOP TALKING!"

Kevin shrunk in terror. "Y-yes Ms. Ba-"

"NOW!" Kevin became silent. Daria swore she heard his knees banging together.

"Huh." The ghost of a laugh materialized behind Daria. She could guess its source.

She walked up to Ethan in the hallway after class at his locker. His face was in a state of tabula rasa, as usual, and the business suit gave him an air of lethal pompousness. The glasses that had adorned his face before were gone.

Daria struggled to keep her monotone to veil her irritation. "Dressler, what did you do to Kevin?"

He took a quick glance at her, and continued to rummage through his locker. "Where are your glasses?"

Daria frowned. "That's not important. What did you tell Kevin?"

"Why on Earth would I want to talk to a mindless worm like him?" And with that, Ethan walked away. _Don't think you can get away that easily, you little twit_. She ran up to him. Hearing her footsteps, Daria's rival turned around and raised an eyebrow as though amused.

"Coming back for more?"

"Tell me what you did to Kevin. Now."

"Or what?"

Daria scrunched her face. _I have nothing, and he knows it. Nothing to threaten him with, nothing with which to prod him. And he knows this. He….he's doing all of this for FUN. He's amused. He likes to watch me squirm. Kevin is just one of his tools to irritate me with. He's not my rival. He's a bully. And I am not going to lose this war. I promised to destroy him. And I will._

Daria said, "Or nothing. Forget it." She walked away, and decided to go and find Jane.

"Hey, Morgendorffer, wait!"

Daria turned around. Ethan's eyebrow was raised as though he were irritated.

"I want my hundred now."

_Son of a…._

She pulled the money out of her pocket and slapped it into his palm. "Now, don't spend it all in one place," she quipped.

"Oh, I won't." For a moment, Daria swore she saw him smile.

Daria approached Elizabeth. "Okay, I have to know. What is your brother's problem?"

Elizabeth looked genuinely puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"He's done nothing but treated me like garbage since he arrived. He seems to enjoy beating me at anything he can."

Elizabeth looked sad. "Yeah, he's always been like that. He's never really had any friends. Every school we've been at, Ethan's always been the intelligent loner."

_Him and me both. _Daria caught something. "EVERY school you've been at?"

Elizabeth face became even more downtrodden. "We've had to hop schools a few times. Ethan's been expelled for various infractions, and my parents usually take me out of whatever school I'm in to keep an eye on him. This has been going on for the last few years. Lawndale is Ethan's fourth high school."

Daria was genuinely surprised. "Oh. Uh, I'm sorry. That sounds rough."

"Oh, it's okay. You get used to it."

"But why is he targeting me?"

Elizabeth now suddenly assumed a pose of a teacher who was amused by the innocent antics of a student.

"You're telling me you haven't asked yourself that question already?"

"No."

"He likes you."

Daria looked repelled. "Hopefully akin to how a scientist views the animals he lobotomizes, right?"

Elizabeth chuckled. "Oh, sorry, not in that guy-likes-girl kind of stuff. He thinks you're intelligent. He enjoys battles of wits. Did you ever notice him reading Thomas Harris novels?"

"I saw him reading _The Silence of the Lambs."_

"My brother kind of considers himself like Hannibal Lecter, except for the eating people part. He gets his fun by pitting his own wit and intelligence against other people. He picked you, Daria, because he thinks you're smart enough to be his rival. He hath deemed thee worthy."

Daria soaked this in, not registering Elizabeth's wordplay. _That's why Ethan's been such an ass. He views me as his equal. He's been so condescending to me because he believes I can possibly outwit him. He's been goading me, in order to get me to continue to challenge him. That's actually a bit flattering, but I still want to do him in for all the things he's said. I think. _Daria looked at Elizabeth uneasily. "Uh, I had this grand scheme in order to sort of take your brother down. I'd feel kinda guilty if I went through with it now. Kinda."

Elizabeth gave a small laugh. "Do it anyways. He won't mind. I won't either. Sometimes, it's fun to watch him fry." Elizabeth tried to give what Daria assumed was supposed to be an evil smile.

"Well, okay then. I'm going to get going now." Daria turned around to walk off.

"Bye. Oh, hey, did you ever tell-" called Elizabeth.

Daria shouted back, "Couldn't find her!"

"Oh, okay. Thanks, anyways!"

Daria found Jane, and they walked down the sidewalk together to get home, as usual. Daria told Jane about what Elizabeth had told her. Jane was amused.

"You have an admirer."

"Not an admirer so much, more like an addicted adversary."

"Are you still going to put the essay in the school paper?"

"Probably. It is kind of sad about what his sister told me, but I am not going to lose the War of Wit, as I think this would be called if my life was interesting enough to be made into a movie."

"Good name, War of Wit."

"Perhaps I could use that for a book title someday, when the terrorists demand I write something for them to shock the world into compliance."

"Maybe." They arrived in front of Daria's house.

"See ya later, Clarice." Jane adopted an English accent for the last word.

"Shut up."

"And that's why you shouldn't overestimate your abilities," explained Mr. O'Neill, holding the latest copy of the _Lawndale Lowdown _in his hand. "Not that it's bad to be confident in yourself, but…"

Ethan raised his hand.

"Yes, Edward?"

Ethan showed no emotion, while his brain found several methods of sneakily insulting O'Neill. "Mr. O'Neill, what does this have to do with _The Great Gatsby?_"

"Oh, well, uhmmm…" the bell rang. "Oh! I didn't even notice the time. Okay everybody, for homework I want you all to write about the significance of Owl Eyes in Gatsby's library. In three paragraphs, if you have the energy." The classroom quickly filed out. Ethan was the last to approach the door. Mr. O'Neill raised a hand to stop him.

"Uhm, Edward, can I talk to you for a moment, please?"

Ethan raised an eyebrow.

"It's just that, I've seen how you've been acting in and out of class, and, well…."

Jane found Daria at their usual cafeteria table. Daria spoke first.

"I didn't think the essay would impress O'Neill to the point that he would talk about it instead of the work of the great F. Scott. Fitzgerald."

Jane cut in. "Morgendorffer, I've just heard the most shocking thing."

Daria chuckled briefly. "What?"

"Well….oh, you found your glasses! Where were they?"

Daria tapped the lenses as if they were a curious object. "Took you long enough to notice. They just reappeared on my nightstand."

"Huh. Well anyway, Dressler got put into the self-esteem course."

Daria's eyebrows shot up. "Really? Why?"

"Apparently O'Neill took your essay as a genuine warning sign that Dressler's life would be mired by extreme overweening."

"Impressive vocabulary. How did you find out about this?"

"I heard a couple of people who are still in that class complaining about our Mr. Dressler. So, it looks like you won."

"Maybe. It's not like that class is going to end our rivalry though."

Daria opened her locker and was pulling out a book when a voice startled her.

"Hello, Morgendorffer."

Daria whirled around. Ethan was standing right behind her, once again wearing the suit. Even after being put in what Daria considered the most pointless, tortuous class in Lawndale High, Ethan's face was still stoic.

"What do you want?" she asked, worried that he was here to take some kind of sick revenge for being put in the most pointless class on the face of the Earth.

"I just thought I would inform you that this not the end of our rivalry. I admit you played the first part of this all quite well. However, there's more than one way to make a comeback while playing a game of chess."

"Even after when you've been put into check, Dressler?"

"Indeed. However Morgendorffer, in light of the position you have put me in, I find that I am now obligated to make your life a living hell." He turned around and said over his shoulder, "And I will be your personal demon." He walked off.

_Great, now he's acting like cheesy James Bond villain, that'll get annoying really fast. Okay, so his arrogance has not been dented, and he's pissed off. I think by this point there's no getting out of this rivalry. All right, what to do next, what to do next…._

"Sometimes, we have to look at ourselves from the outside, to perceive ourselves from the inside. We feel like there's not much to us, but we're wrong! There's all kinds of…um, sorry Edward, no questions until…."

With one hand raised, Ethan's other hand tightened on the desk in irritation. "I'm sorry Mr. O'Neill, but I really don't feel well. May I go to the restroom?"

"Oh! Well yes, of course!"

Ethan jogged out.

A little while later, Ethan flung the door open to the bathroom. He leaned over a sink and panted. He had been in that class for two days now. If he had to listen to any more of O'Neill's garbage, he was going to puke. That thought had occurred to him the previous day, and it gave him his solution. Ethan took a small pill from his pocket and gripped it in his left hand. With his right, he turned the faucet and cupped the water, took a few gulps out of thirst, and kept a mouthful.

"Oh Edward! Are you feeling better?" Ethan nodded. "Well, please take your seat and I will go back to where we left off previously. We waited just for you." Ethan grunted. He sat down. "So, when we discover new things about yourselves, we should embrace it! Share it all with the world, grasp the opportunity! And then, by the end, we….Edward, are you all right?"

Ethan was shuddering badly, and was starting to convulse. He hurriedly got out of his seat and rushed toward O'Neill, and cupped his mouth with his left hand. Upon reaching his teacher, Ethan vomited his breakfast onto O'Neill's lap.

**The Next Day**

"He did what?" said Daria in surprise. She and Jane were sitting in the cafeteria. Rumors had quickly spread about what had occurred the previous day, ranging from being ludicrous to downright impossible.

"I heard it from Jodie herself. Right onto O'Neill."

"I am not sure whom I should feel bad for."

"I'd guess…neither?"

"Exactly."

"You don't think he did it on purpose?"

"If I had enough guts…..argh, bad pun. I might've done something like that if I had the energy."

"Oh look, the man of the hour." Ethan was striding up to them. There was an edge of triumph in his voice.

"Hello Morgendorffer. In case you decided that our little game had come to an end, you are sorely mistaken. Self-esteem class is no longer an option for me, I'm afraid."

"I suppose you thought puking on O'Neill was supposed to shock me?"

"If only. After a meeting with my parents, O'Neill was crying so hard he could have watered my petunias. They-"

"Wait," interjected Jane. "You grow flowers?"

"A hobby. Anyway, my parents threatened that if I were ever in that class again, they'd sue Ms. Li directly, on account of my apparent trauma from being in such an environment. So, we can now continue on with our rivalry without any more hindrances."

Daria raised an eyebrow. Then she smiled slightly. "I wouldn't have it any other way, Dressler. Just so you know, I have a little surprise planned for you. I'm sure that you will not enjoy it."

Ethan's face remained stoic despite the threat. "We'll see. Ciao." He walked off.

Jane shifted uncomfortably. "He gives me the creeps. What do you have in store?"

Daria smiled. "Something that's going to make him squirm."

Ethan turned the corner and bumped into his sister.

"Ah, sorry Liz."

"That's all right. So, do you think she bought everything?"

"Seems so. What did you tell her anyway?"

"A sob story about you being expelled from multiple high schools for being a delinquent."

"Clever. I have always admired your proficiency for dictating fiction."

"Don't forget my fantastic espionage skills."

"Yes. I admire that little trick you pulled with those glasses."

"Oh yeah, I'm the best suburban spy in America. I can steal glasses from people who have poor vision, con morons, and use a spy network composed of idiotic fashion-obsessed bimbos. "

"Mm, yes. So, are you satisfied? Did you get enough money?"

She smiled happily. "Yup. I told that moron Taylor that the gum will keep her pretty for another for another twenty years. She gave me diamonds. Diamonds! And the clothes the Fashion Club handed over also brought in a considerable sum. Now we can finally go to Fielding!"

Ethan looked down for a moment. "No Liz. You're going to Fielding."

She frowned. "What do you mean? You've been wanting to go there since we moved to this dump!"

"Liz. To be frank, I will be successful wherever I go. You on the other hand will benefit from Fielding's programs. Besides, I estimate that the money is probably only good enough for us to go there for two years. You can go for four."

Elizabeth's eyes began to shine. "Ethan, where did this come from?"

He cocked his head. "I think I finally found a decent challenge."

"No! You're not staying here just because of Daria!"

"Liz, listen to me. This is my business, not yours. I plan to stay here, and there's no way you, mom, or dad could possibly convince me otherwise. You go to Fielding. You'll probably learn more than you ever could here. This is my choice, and I trust that you will make yours. Okay?"

Elizabeth looked ready to cry. Then her face hardened. "You are so stupid!" She ran away.

Ethan tiredly rubbed his face. He reached into his right pants pocket and took out a painkiller, which he quickly downed.

"_Are aliens from space poking though YOUR internet messages? The Invading E-mail-reading-Extraterrestrials, next! On Sick, Sad World!"_

Daria clicked off the TV. "Surely there must be more effective ways of taking over the Earth."

"Like maybe forcing grown men to watch programs for little children. The result would be chaos," replied Jane.

"Speaking of programming, we should head over to the Zon now and ask Trent about helping us out with O'Neill's project."

"Sounds good."

_Who shot the hippies? Who locked them in a zoo? Who gagged the beatniks? Who filled their mouths with glue? Who crushed the bohos? Who turned their work to poo? Hey, Mr. Normal, it was YOU!_

Meanwhile, while her brother rocked the night away, Jane scanned the crowd for Fielding students to see if Daria's theory on invading wildlife turned out to be true. Eventually, she spotted a boy in blue turtleneck, who, sure enough, was holding a non-alcoholic beverage.

In a dark corner of the Zon, completely dressed in black, Ethan stared at his rival. He noticed a boy talking to her and Jane. Jane and the newcomer walked away, leaving Daria alone and irritated. Ethan raised an eyebrow, and said to himself, "So. A new piece joins the board."

_The Silence of the Lambs _was written by Thomas Harris

_The Great Gatsby _was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald

_Carry on My Wayward Son _was written by Kerry Livgren

_Daria_ and its characters are owned by MTV.

I wish to deeply thank Breitasparrow, Kristen Bealer, and Dervish for taking their much-needed time to beta read this story. I appreciate it a lot! Oh, and an acknowledgement to my little sister for her support.


End file.
